NOT “Less Than”
It seems like I have compared myself to others for all my life, and always judged myself to be lacking in some way by comparison. I’ve always felt “Less Than” others. Always. I’m working on that.
Maybe it started with my childhood. I’m the youngest of six children and I remember constantly having my siblings held up as shining examples of what I should be or how I should act. A tall order, since my siblings are all 10-20 years older than I am. They had a huge head start. “Why can’t you sit still like your sister?” “Your handwriting isn’t as nice as your sister’s.” “Your brother could name all the plants by just looking at their seeds at your age.” “Look how pretty your sister’s clothes are.” Come on! Seriously? I was still using crayons and blowing my nose on my sleeve when these statements were made. I understand it was just my mom trying to teach me how to behave by showing me real examples, but it was still stress-inducing.
As I got older, maintaining the grades my older siblings got was impossible. My two oldest siblings were salutatorian and valedictorian of their graduating classes. Ranking in the top 10 percent of my class paled by comparison. Put that on top of being an awkward (physically and socially) teen, and of course I felt “Less Than.”
College wasn’t much better. I wasn’t one of those glamorous girls with perfect nails and hair and makeup wearing Izod and Calvin Klein. I was taking a full credit load and sometimes working three part-time jobs to pay my way through college. I didn’t have time or money to be one of those girls.
My feelings of being “Less Than” got even worse when my husband cheated on me. Comparing myself to the other woman was exhausting and unhealthy. For a long time, I felt like I was lower than low, less than every woman around me. It took me awhile to realize that he was the lower than low one for cheating on me, but I finally did.
At work, being female made it difficult to be heard and recognized. I would say something in a meeting and be ignored. There was always the one man in the room who repeat what I said, sometimes word-for-word, and HE would be listened to. When I realized that the important thing was that my idea got out there and not who got it out there, things got easier. I worked hard, earned respect, and eventually took on a leadership position. My feelings of inferiority may have even helped me as a leader, since I made sure my employees got credit for their work if anyone tried to give that credit to me instead.
Tonight, I have a book club meeting. I’m double the age of all the other club members. It would be easy to not feel like I measure up to them, but we’re just at different places in life. Besides we all enjoy reading and a good glass of wine. Do I envy their smooth skin and lack of gray hair? Maybe a little. Do I miss changing diapers, working 40+ hours per week, and struggling to figure out how to be a perfect wife/mother/employee/daughter? Not one bit. Being a retired empty-nester has its benefits.
I realize now, after a lot of introspection, that I am not less than others and never was. I was the only one comparing myself to others, and that isn’t healthy. We all have our different strengths and skills. We can’t be better, stronger, smarter than everyone around us. How boring would that be?